Lost in Translation
By Marni Soupcoff
As many of you know, last Friday, Charles Gibson moderated a town-hall debate between President Bush and John Kerry. The result was some pretty terrible television that not only failed to entertain, but also failed to inform or inspire voters about how to cast their ballots. How fortunate for TAE readers, then, that I managed to get my hands on a special technical device that takes politicians' words and translates the mind-numbing talking points into the real sentiments behind them. The result is, I think you will agree, more fun than spending Friday night watching a "Boy Meets World" re-run, which is more than one can say for last Friday's debate. Here, for your reading pleasure, are choice excerpts from the debate followed by their realistic translations.
SEN. JOHN KERRY: I have a plan to put people back to work.
Translation: I intend to encourage more Americans to do as me and my mother have done: marry someone filthy rich. It's a simple plan, yes, but it works. And it sure as hell beats flipping burgers at McDonald's for 25 bucks an hour or whatever paltry sum they're doling out as a minimum wage these days.
PRESIDENT BUSH: You've got to be consistent when you're the President.
Translation: I'm a consistently lousy debater. I'm consistently forgetting words and consistently spending a lot of government money. I'm a downright consistent kind of guy. Vote for me.
KERRY: I would reach out to our allies in a way that this President hasn't.
Translation: I would happily turn over all future U.S. defense decisions to the United Nations and selected American allies, particularly France. Myself, I find the whole war thing far too confusing and rarely remember which side I'm supposed to be on. You can count on me, as President, to abdicate all responsibility for deciding when and whether to go to war to other countries and UN committees, which know far more about this sort of thing than I do.
BUSH: Two days ago in the Oval Office, I met with the finance minister from Iraq.
Translation: I can't remember the name of the finance minister from Iraq.
KERRY: Now we have to succeed. I've always said that. I have been consistent. Yes, we have to succeed.
Translation: I can't believe these people accuse me of being wishy-washy. Time and again I have positively gone out on a limb and insisted that this country has to succeed. I've never once forgotten what I was talking about and said that this country has to fail. Not once! Except maybe a few times after I got back from Vietnam. But that was a very long time ago, and overall, I've been saying mostly that we have to succeed. How much more consistent can I possibly be?
BUSH: Of course, we're going to find Osama bin Laden.
Translation: Okay, I have no idea where Osama bin Laden is, but how many evil-looking anorexic dudes getting kidney dialysis in caves can there be? We must be narrowing them down.
KERRY: Nikki, that's a question that's been raised by a lot of people around the country. Let me address it but also talk about the weapons the President just talked about....
Translation: Nikki, I don't know or care what you just asked, so I'm going to ignore it and slip in another one of my juicy WMD talking points.
BUSH: I hear there's rumors on the Internets (sic) that we're going to have a draft.
Translation: That's what my aides told me, anyway. I don't mess around with those Internets, personally. I hear they're just some sort of left-wing tool invented by Al Gore.
KERRY: But let me tell you where the President's policies have put us. The President--and this is one of the reasons why I am very proud in this race to have the support of General John Shalikashvili, former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff; Admiral William Crowe, former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff; General Tony McPeak, who ran the air war for the president's father and did a brilliant job, supporting me; General Wes Clark, who won the war in Kosovo, supporting me; because they all--and General Baca, who was the head of the National Guard, supporting me.
Translation: I have no clue what to say, so I'd better drop a whole lot of names instead of making a point. Don't laugh--it's gotten me this far, hasn't it?
BUSH: You tell Tony Blair we're going alone. Tell Tony Blair we're going alone. Tell Silvio Berlusconi we're going alone. Tell Aleksander Kwasniewski of Poland we're going alone.
Translation: I can drop names too. Even long foreign ones.
KERRY: If Missouri, just given the number of people from Missouri who are in the military over there today, were a country, it would be the third largest country in the coalition, behind Great Britain and the United States.
Translation: Good God, can you imagine if Missouri were a country? I'd have to emigrate or defect or something. I haven't found a decent single malt scotch bar in this place since I've arrived. Perish the thought of Missouri as an independent state.
BUSH: When a drug comes in from Canada, I want to make sure it cures you and doesn't kill you.
Translation: I know this is a domestic policy question, but I all I can remember are my Iraq talking points. I'd guess I'd better just say something about Americans not ending up dead. That ought to go over in either area.
Marni Soupcoff's column regularly appears on Monday at TAEmag.com.
