All I Want for Christmas
By Marni Soupcoff
This is the time of year that children send Santa their wish lists. You know what I’m talking about: those cute “Dear Santa” letters composed by semiliterate little ones requesting immediate delivery of Nintendo Gameboys and new sets of front teeth.
But it’s not just kids who turn to Santa to have their wishes fulfilled.
Many adults resort to pleas to Father Christmas, as well. Here, with the help of North Pole insider who shall remain unnamed (but let’s just say he bears a stunning resemblance to Santa’s favorite elf), is a brief sample of some of the requests Santa has received so far from the over-20 set.
Santa,
Could really use an antidote.
Ukraine presidential candidate Viktor Yuschenko.
P.S. Winning the election wouldn’t hurt either.
Infidel Santa,
You are the enemy of God. The Prophet, Peace Be Upon Him, said whoever wears a bright red suit and slides down crusading forces’ chimneys with presents in a sack, Allah will strike him with a catastrophe before Judgment Day.
In the mean time, however, I’d be most appreciative of a new dialysis machine and Jon Stewart’s latest book.
Osama Bin Laden, undisclosed location
Dear Santa,
Please send anger management kit immediately…I said now, goddamn it, what the **** is wrong with you, you fat codger? Am I going to have to come up there and beat the **** out of you? Don’t think I wouldn’t do it.
Ron Artest (Indiana Pacers)
P.S. I’d also like a book of word searches to help pass all this new free time.
Attention Santa Sir,
We request as many Humvees as your sleigh transport vehicle can handle.
American soldiers, Iraq
My Dearest Santa,
At my lawyer’s request, I am writing to cancel my request for a boy named Billy. But thank you for all your efforts in this regard.
Michael Jackson, Neverland
Dear Mr. Claus,
I have one word for you: Ohio.
Sincerely,
John Kerry, Massachusetts
P.S. If that’s not possible, I’d settle for a new snowboard and the 2008 nomination.
Dear Santa,
Any literature on primal scream therapy would be much appreciated.
Howard Dean, Vermont
Hey Claus,
What happened to that Democratic president I asked for? Don’t tell me you’re in bed with the Saudis, too? I should have known not to trust a stupid white man.
Michael Moore, Michigan
Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a Homeland Security Secretary who has not employed illegal aliens.
President George W. Bush, the White House
Dear Santa:
Rather than trouble you with a list of what I want, let me just tell you that I’d be happy to receive anything you saw fit to give me so long as it’s not tort reform.
Yours truly,
John Edwards, North Carolina
Well, those are all the grown-up Santa letters we have time for today, but they should at least give you a greater appreciation of the challenges the jolly guy faces on a daily basis. Poor Mr. Claus.
Marni Soupcoff's is a weekly columnist for TAEmag.com.
