Bush the Talking Pig (and Other Curious Casting Choices)
By Marni Soupcoff

Todd Haynes is a great movie director, so I don't want to mock him too much, but it's hard not to at least say something about the odd direction the Oscar nominee appears to be taking in casting a Bob Dylan biopic he is making. Seven different actors are to play Dylan at different points in his life, one of whom, says Haynes, will probably be a black woman. Haynes has even tossed around some ideas about who might play the black female Dylan, including singer Beyonce Knowles, Oprah Winfrey, and tennis player Venus Williams - each possibility disturbing in its own special way. 

In case the thought of Bob Dylan singing "Bootylicious" in a tennis mini while interviewing Dr. Phil isn't chilling enough, though, I would like to take Haynes's idea a step further. Imagine if some of our most celebrated (or at least well known) politicians decided to go ahead and fill their biopics with a similarly unexpected cast. You know, people you wouldn't really expect to play them, but who still make a kind of twisted sense. 

I think the results might look something like this: Hillary Clinton played by Tammy Faye Bakker Messner. Hillary and Tammy Faye don't look alike, or even have much in common. But Hillary is constantly battling the perception that she is a cold and calculating opportunist, without real feelings. She could, therefore, really benefit from some of Tammy Faye's famous mascara-streaking sob-fests to highlight a softer, more vulnerable side that voters might take to. Plus, not only would Tammy Faye look a lot less menacing than the real Hil' when throwing pieces of furniture at a fictional Bill, she would also add a certain religious aura - the very thing Sen. Clinton seems to be trying to assume.

John Kerry played by Vin Diesel. Now I know what you're thinking. How can Vin Diesel possibly play John Kerry when Vin is so clearly not from France and John is such a totally lame The Fast and the Furious villain? But Vin delivers the muscle (literal and figurative) that Kerry so sorely lacks.  

John McCain played by Kirstie Alley. An unorthodox choice, I know, but if short Jewish white guy Bob Dylan can be played by a female black athlete, then surely John McCain can be played by a mouthy fat actress. The nice thing about Alley is that she would capture McCain's contrary nature, but could soften portrayal of the ugly McCain temper by satisfying urges to yell and scream through the benign consumption of cream puffs instead. Plus, after all those Look Who's Talking movies, Alley would probably considering playing a tortured POW a pleasure.

George W. Bush played by any one of the 48 Yorkshire pigs who portrayed Babe in the movie of the same name. This would be an apt casting decision because Bush and Babe share a similar history in that they both learned to do something extraordinary that virtually no one thought them capable of. So what that in Bush's case it was spreading freedom throughout the world, while in Babe's case it was only herding sheep. The general sense of optimism and exceeding the expectations of those who would mock you would come through very well. Also, the scenes in which Babe played soccer on the White House lawn with Bush's Scottish terriers Barney and Miss Beazley would be that much cuter (no offense to the President). Because let's face it. Everyone loves a talking pig. Even, I would venture to guess, Michael Moore. (But note to the director: keep Bush Sr. away with those pork rinds.)  

Marni Soupcoff's column appears on Monday at TAEmag.com.